lindsay joanhan

now here's a question for you:

what if you were born a decade and a half later than your actual birth date?

you have the same parents, the same friends, you grow up in the same area...in my case, though, i would have been born on feb. 9th 1996. would i be the same person?

obviously not.

why have i come to this conclusion?

well there are a million reasons why, but number one would most likely be lindsay lohan.

gah, i hate to sully yet another corner of webspace with that girl's name, but it has to be said. i think the lindsay lohans, paris hiltons, britneys, and nicole richies of the world, coupled with the media's constant scrutiny and the public's hunger to know their every move is seriously going to ruin a generation.

when i was a young girl i idolized the following female popstars

those are probably the four albums i listened to the most between the ages of 7-11 years old. and no, i'm not a gay man. i think i won a couple of lip syncing contests back in the day for paula's 'opposites attract' and janet's 'rhythm nation'. it's probably pretty comical for people who know me now, but i used to LOVE dancing, even though i never took lessons. i was a fake jazz/hip hop phenom...honestly, my dancing used to be 1,000 times more impressive than anything i did with my singing voice, and if you still think i'm being sarcastic, this is me not being sarcastic. i memorized that whole beginning dance sequence to rhythm nation cuz i had the VHS tape.

5-4-3-2-1...

if i take stock of myself these days, i can securely say that i have never suffered any serious chemical dependency, eating disorder, or STD. i guess i'm pretty fortunate that i was a pretty good kid, because those problems certainly did exist for teens in 'my day' (as evidenced by Degrassi).

despite the current questionable states of two of the above women (i'm giving janet the benefit of the doubt as she has to be quite brilliant to successfully distance herself from the craziest and biggest joke of a brother known to man) i would consider that they had a small hand in my rearing. i can't recall any sort of scandal related to any of these ladies back in the day, and my mom always had a subscription to People, so i was never just blissfully unaware. here is photographic proof of my paula/janet/mariah/bette influenced and modestly puppy sweatshirted 1991/92 11 or 12 year old self:

i scratched out my friend cuz she doesn't deserve to have her nerdiness displayed w/out her permission. my hair looked like a mullet that day, i believe, cuz it was my birthday and we were going to go see Les Miserables later on and i had already prepared my up-do for the evening. while the leggings and general bagginess of my ensemble may echo a bit of the current styles, i can't really picture paris hilton out and about in a beagle sweatshirt, sheep boxers and some strange woven pouch around her neck (unless that was where she was keeping her cocaine vial).


i missed the spice girls phenomenon by a few years, which honestly makes me kind of sad, cuz those girls seemed like a lot more fun than paula, although i solely blame them for taking 9 year old girls out of sweat pants with elastic cuffs and into belly button rings...oh yeah i guess that's britney's fault too. so if i was young and impressionable during the young brit and spice days, then i would've been dressed a lot sluttier, but i think that's about it.

but if i was eleven years old RiGHT NOW? oh god. oh good grief. i would pity my mother (well, i would pity my mother in the future, maybe, if i wasn't still occupying myself being a self-obsessed anorexic coke head). the way i figure, when i was actually 11 in 1991, i was just slowing down in my idolatry, but i spent a large chunk of time trying to emulate the dance moves and fashion sense of the above ladies.

i feel like the following would be an accurate depiction of a 2007 era 11/12 year old joan on her birthday and on her way to an ashlee simpson concert:

rough.

i really really hope, for the sake of our current 11 year old girls, that paris has to spend a fair chunk of time in jail, along with lohan, and nicole richie, and whoever else manages to eff up majorly and DUI themselves into oblivion. otherwise, anything parents try to teach their children to be 'wrong' will be meticulously and fully displayed by all media as being nothing but a bunch of idiot girls 'acting out' and 'being young'.

grow up, assholes, unless you want little girls with pink duct tape on their nipples.

four legs good, two legs bad

having never been assigned george orwell's Animal Farm in any English or Russian history classes, i decided it was high time to read it. why? well, i was curious, since it's an oft-referenced book, plus i like aminals very much.

being such a short book, it only took me a couple of days to read, but it affected me greatly. i mean, i was UPSET. poor little aminals! poor Boxer the hardest working horse ever! stupid mean piggies!

i must say, some might fault me because i appear to prefer animals to humans. here are a few examples:

- i was once given a scenario by my friend kate - a newborn baby and a little puppy are drowning. i can only save one. which would i save? well, my first instinct was 'puppy'. i think i said that outloud, too. i was eventually convinced through guilt into saving the baby, but my heart was still with the poor drowning pup.

- i greatly hope that one day, if i have heaps of money, that i can donate a large chunk to the humane society or another animal related service. i have never fantasized about contributing large amounts to any other sort of charity

- the last time i recall crying due to watching a movie, it was at the end of Quill, a Japanese movie about the entire life (and death) of a charming golden lab seeing-eye dog. before that, i MIGHT have cried at the end of 'i am sam', but i blame that on who i was watching it with...taes tends to cry a lot (which isn't, of course, a bad thing). before that, it was probably during a Benji the Hunted (when it was in theatres...in 1987) and before that, i remember crying at the end of some Disney movie that featured a puppy who appeared to be dead, but then a little girl picked it up and rubbed it in a blanket, and he woke up. i have no idea what movie that was, but i'm tearing up right now at the thought of it.

- my beloved Grandpa Smith, the man who used to take me out of school to go to Ontario Place for the day, take me for breakfast at McDonald's (and buy me COOKIES for breakfast), took me on my first upside down rollercoaster, carried a whoopie cushion around with him at almost all times, and took every opportunity to find euphemisms for 'flatulence' whenever he came up with word definitions in the game Balderdash, died almost 2 years ago. that was quite an emotional time for me. my parents went to BC for the memorial, but i had to stay at home to stay w/ our golden lab, sally, who was developing weird lumps in her neck. before my parents returned, i had to take her to the vet cuz the lumps were getting alarmingly large. i was told she had lymphoma and had, at most, a month to live. while i walked her home that day, i think i cried harder than i have ever cried in my entire life. so now i have the love of that dog and the love of my grandpa and their combined deaths permanently married in my psyche.

woo, ok, so that's all pretty heavy. umm...yeah, animal farm. i guess what i'm trying to say is, orwell did a really good job of getting the point across about the suffering of the poor working class in the soviet union during Stalin's rule, because my sympathy towards suffering animals somehow turns me into a big blubbery pile of snot, whereas the suffering of humans...well, it's bad, but the snot quotient is much lower.

in conclusion, i apparently have a very skewed and unhealthy attitude towards the human race. hrm.

however, my parents are getting a new puppy soon. BEST SUMMER EVER!

living up to the title

fair reader(s),

i will simply cut to the chase, and give you the glory that is thumbelina:

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

there is really nothing else i can say, aside from the fact that i am trying to figure out an excuse to book thumbelina for an upcoming event of some kind (yes, it's true, she is available for bookings).

find more thumbelina-ing at www.worldssmallesthorse.com

and because this post is perhaps a bit lacking the content department, i should write about, um, something important and interesting, um, like....

PUPPY MONORAIL! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

the hows and whats and the whys of the reason of the existence of this thing can be found here.

you don't really need a reason why, though, right? i mean, why not?

in conclusion, even if i come to fear becoming bored and useless in my old age, i will forever and ever be entertained by animals and their related paraphanelia. hoorah.

nowhere with joel

i said my next post would be about puppies, but instead i am posting about something just as adorable and beloved to me... joel plaskett.

i just visited one of my oft-visited pages to kill time at work, perezhilton.com, and came across this.

i don't know what to think. how can i handle having my future husband wedged between posts about kelly clarkson and donatella versace? and perez recommends one of my most hated songs of joel, nowhere with you. barf me a river. i hate that this is the song that is bringing him notoriety.

the truth is, i think i am falling out of love with joel.

i have been in love with him since the first time i saw him in kingston, playing at the now defunct Shot. i had seen his video 'maybe we should just go home' a couple of times and decided to check out the cute boy with the good song. as soon as i saw him amongst the crowd i got a bit butterfly-y. i decided to go say something to him before he started his set. i walked up to the stage (which was a foot off the floor) while he was setting up, and drawing a total blank, and being THIS close to his skinny joel face, i said, 'hi joel, i've always wanted to say this to someone before they start a show: you better not suck.' then i probably turned beat red as he bashfully (or politely) laughed, and i ran away. it goes without saying, but the following show was awesome, and my love affair began.

i then saw him a bunch more times, culminating in one of the best shows of my life...jan 2005 at the horseshoe. i staked out my spot RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE MIC before the opener even started. the spades opened, which made the night even better, as james mckenty is sort of a poor man's joel. despite the girl behind me elbowing me in the eye during the emergency's whole set, continuously yelling, "play thrush hermit!! WOOW OOO!" *elbow to my boob* till eventually i CONFRONTED her (something quite rare for me ,but i told bitch to back off as i had been standing there already for 2 hours and i would be damned if she got between me and joel's distortion pedals, and maybe she should try and listen to something joel's recorded w/in the last 5 years instead of just thrush hermit, which is also good, of course, but FUCK). the show was amazing, though...the last of a real long tour in support of truthfully, truthfully.

after the show i waited around and got to talk to him, and got a picture!

AAAAAA! we match! he apologized for being sweaty when he put his arm around me (GAH! SWOON!) and we joked about the stupid woo woo thrush hermit girl, as he was only 2 feet away from me for the entire show, so heard her just as clearly. we were LIKE THIS, joel and i. my friends can attest to the fact that my demeanor usually operates at a low hum at all times...joel is the only person place or thing, aside from baby animals, that causes me to behave in the manner of an 11 year old girl.

the obsession got to the point that a friend of a friend who wrote for Chart magazine wrote the following :

"During a concert in Toronto, their frantic screams overwhelmed the polite applause, and one fan mentioned that she would be prepared to marry him on sight."

...i was that fan. my obsession made it into a national music magazine. (read the article here)

and then la de da came out, and it was ok. meh. that's ok, i don't like unplugged records much anyways. once he's back with the emergency, he can make another 'down at the khyber', right? then the DVD came out, and despite the joel-porn quotient (joel camping! joel being funny! joel dancing! joel SWIMMING!) the bonus cd tracks, produced by big sugar's gordie johnson, were, well, sucky. it's where that awful 'nowhere with you' song came from.

oh well, the new cd will be good, right?

gordie johnson produced it. fucko.

i heard a couple of tracks on the cbc from the new album. the first single, fashionable people, is craptacular. i can't take it. maybe if it was produced better? different chorus? something?

some people say the new album, ashtray rock, is brilliant. they love it. but i can't even bring myself to buy it. i will, eventually, but not yet. maybe i've got the, 'oh, my favourite band is gaining in popularity, so fuck 'em' disease...but i think it goes deeper than that.

joel is apparently now MARRIED, to his long time girlfriend becky something or other. i even heard him gush about her whilst being interviewed on the cbc. how COULd you, joel?? we had something special. remember the 'better not suck' time? the 'woowoo thrush sorry i'm sweaty time'? the chart time? that was ME, joel. marry ME!

also, he cut his shaggy hair. my inner 11 year old does not go into NKOTB overdrive once the hair is gone.

oh joel...maybe once becky grows tired of being married to a rockstar, you grow your hair out, drop johnson as your producer, and make another 'down at the khyber'...then we can be what we were meant to be.

other people's hypocrisy

ok, as promised, the second part of this post.

so, we have already determined that i am a hypocrite until i can figure out a way to fuel a car solely on happy thoughts.

i was already pretty on edge about the whole gas thing, obviously, when this came out. you might not feel like reading the whole thing...basically, a couple of weeks before the government released their 'green plan', environment minister john baird presented a report claiming that if the canadian gov't met the goals of the kyoto accord, canada would be plunged into a deep, horrible recession.

i don't claim to be any sort of smarty pants economist - i'm an effing drama major - but there was one part of this report that made me snarf my green tea when i heard mr. baird quoted on the cbc:

"The government's Kyoto impact study predicts that individual Canadians could see natural gas prices double and electricity prices rise by 50 per cent over five years, changing $90-a-month bills into $145-a-month bills. Gasoline prices would rise more than 60 per cent to $1.60 a litre before 2012."

wait wait wait, hold up. what about those endless features on the news the past few days about how gas prices are currently gouging people's pockets. the price has gone up from 77 cents to $1.10 a litre since january. meanwhile, gas is apparently around $1.30 in B.C.

the fact that baird tried to strike fear into the hearts of canadians, dangling this abominable price in front of us as if it was your dead mangled dog("do you want THIS to happen?") was just hilarious.

canada will be lucky if we're only at $1.60 by july 2012.

perhaps i sound like a raving lunatic, but i have ceased to have any faith in the government in terms of environmental issues. the shear short-sightedness of saying 'we can't afford to save our planet, the economy is too important' is like saying 'we need more tomato sauce, so we better kill all the tomato plants and make sure they don't grow back'...ok, that was a lame comparison, but i think it's sort of what i'm getting at. i must have a craving for spaghetti.

you can't have an economy if you have no workers because they have no proper air to breathe, nor any resources with which to make and sell things, etc... maybe i'm wrong, cuz i'm not an economist, but i believe sacrifices will have to made somewhere down the line. life is going to get a hell of a lot more expensive if we want to keep breathing air and suntanning without looking like a big pile of ash.

otherwise, i hope mr. baird's great grandchildren enjoy walking to school in their fashionable protective UV suits with built in breathing apparatuses. maybe they'll print cute little yellow duckies on them or something.

well that was a couple of fun uplifting posts.

mayhaps the next one will be about puppies.

questions of hypocrisy

time to get all political on your behinds.


a couple of months ago, i became aware of 'the impending oil crisis'. my end of innocence culminated in the viewing of a movie called 'the end of suburbia' . research this, or don't...i don't really feel like going into huge detail, except that apparently the entire planet's dumbassedry refuses to acknowledge that oil (ie. gasoline...you know, that stuff you put in your car or your plane or your boat to make it go 'vroom vroom') is a finite resource. we will run out, and rather soon at that...and it's not going to end at, 'oh no, i can't go on road trips anymore.' it will get lots worse than that. it's all incredibly doom-and-gloom and left me with little to no faith in humanity. my efforts to talk to others about it either ended in comments like, 'it sucks, the world is going to hell' or, 'meh, we'll figure out a way...alternative energy and all that. i have to go buy another car and move to north of the 407 now. peace out.'

i walked around in this sort of disaster goggle haze for a few days...you know that scene at the beginning of terminator 2, after that crazy apocalyptic nuclear attack? the burning playground? that's pretty much how i was looking at the world. corner of bathurst and college? burnination. queen's park? burnination. hamilton? burnination (insert snarky comment about hamilton being better off here).

i eventually got over it. i now snarl even more at suvs and comfort myself in that i am actually able to walk to work...not even burning ttc energy! i am so super cool!

but yeah, then there's the whole 'i want to be a working musician' thing.

being a musician essentially means you HAVE to have a car, unless you play the thumb piano (there's this girl called laura barrett who does just that...not really my bag, but she's got the right idea with the portability of her instrument). now that i have this heavy amp, guitar, and band to go along with it, vehicles are a necessity in terms of getting to rehersals and to shows. not to mention the whole 'going on tour' thing. i can't think of many bigger wastes of gasoline for an up and coming band...driving thousands of kilometres just so you can play to a crappy bar in kelowna b.c. to several inatentive snowboarders (that anecdote is courtesy of joel plaskett - i have never actually experienced that myself).

i am also guilty of 2 roadtrips of north america. we're talking about 30,000 kms collectively. i saw many beautiful things, and i also saw crap like this:
that might be dryden, ontario. delightful town.

so yeah, i've wasted a fair amount of gas in my day, and if my music career goes where i hope it might, i will be wasting a whole lot more. i'm full of poop.

for some reason blogger decided to erase the second half of this entry, so i will just hit that publish button, and leave my second half of this for later...it's essentially about how the conservative government is stupid. groundbreaking work, really.